


Secret Sealed

by Lacertae



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU where they live in the same apartment, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Crush, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Fuckbuddies, John is too curious for his own good, M/M, Silly, Vibrator, dildo, movie and pizza, nosy people, things escalate quickly, vice aneros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-13
Updated: 2012-12-13
Packaged: 2017-11-21 02:04:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/592227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lacertae/pseuds/Lacertae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*Karkat/Dave, mentioned Sollux/Dave (friends with benefits), side John/Vriska*</p>
<p>John is a terrible prankster, Karkat gets ideas, Sollux knows more than he should about stuff, and Dave is the unwilling cause of a lot of grief.</p>
<p>Or</p>
<p>John opens a package that’s not his, and things only get worse from there on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secret Sealed

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea walking home from work, and I decided to write it right away. Enjoy the crack :3

There was an anonymous, brown package waiting in front of their apartment door when John came home from his courses, so he picked it up and turned it around in his hands, curious about its contents.

He shuffled on the welcome mat –an ugly little thing in rainbow colours with a joyous ‘fuck off’ scribbled on it in muck green writing– and pushed the door wide open, entering and dropping his bag right next to the door.

He didn’t care at all about putting it in his room, after all he would have to pick it back up the next morning.

The package was medium-size and totally plain, it didn’t even weigh all that much, and their address was neatly written on one side, together with the name of the receiver –one Dave strider.

So, Dave now received packages, huh?

It wasn’t like John didn’t get anything –his father sent him a weekly huge package full of everything he thought he would need, from freshly baked cakes (which ended up shared by his three roommates, of course, since John could barely look at a pie without feeling disgust crawl from the inside of his liver) to new underwear to cram into his drawer– but he was always overly curious about what kind of things his housemates got.

Especially Dave.

Dave always received the best packages from his Bro, which usually included a lot of smuppets, and sometimes a shuriken or two.

Still, Bro’s care-bundles always had his return address neatly written in orange, while this one… was suspiciously lacking them.

Well, it wasn’t his business anyway. It was Dave’s.

John tilted his head to the side and considered dropping the thing onto their kitchen table and get something to eat… so he did just that. He went to the kitchen, shuffling out of his shoes and leaving them in the middle of the sitting room for Karkat to find and curse at him later, and made himself a sandwich.

He ate it while staring the package down.

The big envelop was mocking him, with no return address and no indication of who the sender could be, and John always liked a good mystery.

Fuck, maybe he was also really curious, but who wouldn’t be?

It wasn’t everyday a resident of the house received a package, and they usually opened them with the others, so this shouldn’t be any different.

Dave wouldn’t hold it against him for peeking into the package anyway.

If there were more smuppets as a surprise-gift from Bro, then John would be his saviour.

Dave would be forever indebted to him.

Well, ok, that wasn’t the real reason –he just wanted to peek inside, and then maybe also use whatever Dave had received as blackmail. Or for a prank. Or both. And satisfy his curiosity at the same time.

Hehehe.

John reached out one hand and slowly tugged the tape on the side of the envelope, then snapped his hand away when the noise was loud enough to echo in the kitchen.

He looked around quickly, feeling guilty, but his curiosity was greater than his self-preservation instinct.

Besides, Dave was still out and wouldn’t come back until later, so…

Smiling cheekily John ripped away the tape, pulling off the lid and opening the package.

He blinked in shock at what peeked out from inside, cheeks slowly turning an horrid crimson colour.

“Oh, _shit_ ,” he hissed.

***

Karkat was busy restraining some loud sobs when John slammed the door of his bedroom open, storming inside looking like troll hell was chasing him.

The human looked behind him, eyes wide, and pushed the door close, completely ignoring Karkat’s splutters as he wiped his eyes with a sleeve.

Then, as if thinking that wasn’t enough to save his ass from the troll apocalypse, John pushed a chair in front of the door.

Appeased with that, though not entirely, he turned around staring at Karkat with a wide, panicked stare, and under the utterly befuddled eyes of the troll, he stomped over to him and shoved something under his nose.

Karkat backed away, grunting and pushing John on the arm with his hand, then moved to pause his movie, finally looking down at what the human was holding in front of him.

“What the fuck are you doing,” he growled, looking from the brown, unassuming package up to John’s face. “Why are you in my room, I put a fucking sock on the door, did I? That’s universal language for ‘don’t mess with me unless you want my foot shoved up your waste chute and my fist down your protein chute to mess your digestive apparatus’! Is there something unclear that your thick brain isn’t getting?”

John completely ignored him. “That’s not really what a sock means, and we both know you’re horrifically single anyway so there’s like _no_ chance of you dragging someone in there, especially that ‘secret crush’ of yours that you refuse to tell us about,” John waved one hand in front of him and pushed the package under Karkat’s face again. “I have more important and pressing matters to talk about! _Look_!”

Grunting and growling under his breath, but wanting to get away from the subject of his ‘secret crush’ so that John wouldn’t start grilling him on it again, Karkat glanced back at the package.

It was brown. It was plain.

“What the fuck am I looking at?”

John pushed the label open, showing Karkat the contents with his lower lip jutted out in defiance.

Karkat observed the inside of the package with brows furrowed.

There was another smaller package inside. It was red and contained something of a weird shape, black, curvy and with a two-pronged stems on the base.

On the top of the container, there were the words ‘Aneros Vice’ in white.

Karkat blinked.

“What the fuck am I looking at?” he asked again.

John’s cheeks, that had previously been a normal human colour, turned incredibly red, and Karkat felt annoyed.

Spluttering, John continued pushing the package against Karkat, and the troll sighed, snatched it from the human and grabbed the box from inside, turning it around.

“Aneros Vice,” he read, narrowing his eyes. “Vibrating Male G-Spot Stimulator…” he looked up, still not sure, and watched with some sort of amazement how John’s face had managed to turn even redder as he read.

Huh.

“Why is this thing a male?” Karkat grunted, turning around the box. “I…” his eyes fell on the description on the back, in smaller font.

Realisation painted all over his face, Karkat let the box fall back into the package and shoved it back into John’s hands.

“You’re fucking perverted!” he screamed, backing away from John. “Get your filthy human sex toy away from me! I don’t fucking care what you do in your free time, but for fuck’s sake, don’t come here brandishing that thing ever again!”

John’s skin turned from bright red to pale in less than a second. “No! No! Karkat, Karkat, no, you’re wrong, that’s not mine!”

Karkat levelled him with a glare, and John swallowed down his panic, slumping down on the floor like a deflated sack of potatoes.

He then proceeded to explain the provenience of the package.

Karkat looked down at him, then at the opened package, abandoned on top of a pile of troll philosophy books, then back at John.

“John,” he started. He looked so deadpan John almost scooted away from him. “Why the _fuck_ did you do something this stupid… I can’t even begin to comprehend the absurdity of your actions, let alone wrap my thinkpan around your abysmal idiocy”.

The human winced, looking down and biting his lip with his oversized teeth.

Karkat executed a facepalm x2 combo with flipping success.

“I just… I wanted to wrap it up again, but the package is ruined and I can’t just give it back to him like that,” John frantically tried to explain. “That would be like saying hey bro, I sort of opened your dildo order but it’s perfectly ok!” he paused. “It’s _not_! That’s worse than when we had to see Equius flirting with Dirk!” he shivered. “It’s… like an elephant in the room!”

Karkat rolled his eyes, but had to agree with John that he could understand.

He licked his lips slowly, gaze trailing back to the open package.

So… that was what a human sex toy looked like.

And it was Dave’s.

Karkat swallowed hard when his thinkpan was bombarded with mental images of how exactly that toy worked, and lewd, full-colour vids of Dave using it assaulted his senses.

For a few seconds, all he could hear was the sound of his bloodpusher slamming against his thorax cavity and into his auricular sponge clots, then John’s voice managed to penetrate the thick hazy cloud surrounding his brain enough to make him focus back on reality.

A reality which sadly lacked Dave naked and spread with the toy worked inside him.

“…what?” he cleared his throat, trying not to sound breathless.

Not like the mental images had been too hot for him or something.

“I said,” John was waving his arms in the air, still looking like the world had crumbled on his head, “that this is just… I didn’t want to know this kind of stuff about Dave! It’s just too…” he groaned, hiding his face in his hands in defeat. “I just have all these mental images now that I can’t _stop_ and…” he shuddered, groaning again. “And you know,” he peered from behind parted fingers, his voice dropping low, “I always thought he would… I mean… like, top”.

Karkat scratched his arm, feeling self-conscious.

“Fuck, no, he’d totally bottom,” he replied.

And the toy clearly pointed in his favour.

Good.

“T–that’s beside the point, though,” John hastily continued, pushing his hands forwards as if to deny what he’d just stated. “The fact is, I have no idea what to do! Karkat, fuck, help me!”

Karkat really wanted to tell John that he’d brought it on himself, and that he should face the consequences on his own, but he had to admit that despite the situation being… well, embarrassing for all parties involved –especially for Dave if he ever found out about it– this development was far from unpleasant.

He licked his lips again, coughing, and looked at John.

They still had the package, and now he’d been dragged into the situation, so he’d have to help the idiot out.

“Let’s try to put this back together, ok?” Karkat sighed, rolling his eyes. “They we’ll just drop it in the kitchen, and Dave will _never_ find out about this”.

John hastily nodded, though he was still grimacing.

He would still feel embarrassed –now he knew Dave had one toy… how many more did he have? Did he use them when nobody was home? It was quite different from just jerking off, and John really didn’t _need_ to be wondering about that at all.

Oh, shit. He’d never live it down. Even if Dave never found out, John _would know_.

Nonononono.

No.

Oh God.

“Just stop thinking about it, John, you giant young mammal,” Karkat patted him on the arm. “It’s not such a big deal”.

John pouted –he knew enough of Karkat’s weird lingo to understand he’d just been called a big baby– but sighed and squared his shoulders.

“We should go ask Sollux,” Karkat said after a moment. “Maybe he has some tape around”.

Karkat picked up the package, seeing as John didn’t seem to want to get close to it ever again, and the human went and unblocked the door.

Sollux’s room was right down the corridor, in front of Dave’s, and they politely knocked before entering anyway.

The psionic troll was busy writing some codes on his grubtop, just like always, and Karkat had to stomp down hard on a grub-wire to make Sollux even look up from his work.

“What are you doing in my room?” he asked, looking slightly ruffled. “I am buthy”.

Karkat opened his mouth to talk, but John beat him to it. “Do you think Dave is a top or a bottom?”

Karkat slowly turned around to look at him, taken aback. Just how idiotic could that idiot be?

Sollux looked a bit taken aback, but spun his chair around and stared them down.

“Ok,” he stated slowly. “What the _fuck_?”

Karkat shoved one hand in front of John’s mouth, muffling the (probably stupid) rushed explanation he was trying to offer, and explained, managing to curse only three times, what the situation was.

By the end of it, Sollux was staring at them both like they were the biggest idiots on the planet. “You two are fucking crazy,” he hissed, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Why do you have to include me when you talk about him?” Karkat looked positively offended, and Sollux gave him a knowing look that shut him up.

“But I gueth you can take one of my old packageth,” Sollux stated, sighing deeply. “There’th thome tape thomewhere in one of my drawerth over there”.

Karkat grumbled what was possibly the least sincere thank you in the history of ever, and stomped over to the drawers, fumbling around in search of the tape, wading through a lot of colourful wires and pieces of grubtops.

“So,” John, armed with the kind of masochistic curiosity that would never lose strength, no matter the situation, turned towards Sollux and poked him in the ribs. “You didn’t answer me”.

“Wait, you were athking for real?” Sollux looked slightly taken aback, especially given how enthusiastic Karkat’s explanation of John’s horror had been.

John nodded sheepishly.

Sollux shrugged.

“He thwitcheth,” he stated simply, like it was the most obvious thing ever.

Both John and Karkat stared at him like he’s grown two more heads.

“How… how can you be this sure?” John asked, eyes wide, at the same time as Karkat grunted out “how the fuck do you know?!”

Sollux had the decency to look to the side, cheeks turning an amusing, light shade of yellow. “Well,” he started, then cleared his throat.

It took Karkat a moment to get what Sollux was implying.

Then, a complicated mix of anger, jealously and envy punched him in the guts, and he opened his mouth, unable to make a sound.

Fortunately, John had enough disbelief for them both.

“Wait, wait,” he pushed both hands in front of him. “You don’t mean to say that… _you_ …” Sollux smirked, “and _Dave_ … oh, oh urgh, _no_ oh _god_ , no, _why_!” John hid his face in his hands again, looking completely grief stricken.

“It jutht happened like, onthe,” Sollux commented, the blush on his cheeks growing a bit darker.

“You said he _switches_!” John accused, mortified. “That’s not just _once_!”

“Well, ok, maybe more than jutht _onthe_ ,” Sollux amended, scratching the base of one of his horns. “A couple timeth, really”.

Karkat had the decency to look rather affronted, and John simply stared at him like he’d just realised the world had stopped spinning.

He was ok with his friends having sex, but piling everything together, those were enough revelations to make him want to curl in his bed and die of embarrassment.

His disbelieving stare, coupled with Karkat’s deadpan glare, made Sollux fidget a bit, though he didn’t seem sheepish at all. Nor guilty.

Just a bit smug.

“I’d like to thee you two thay no to him,” he challenged.

John immediately went red, and shook his head in hasty denial. “ _What_?” his tone was so shrill Sollux had to restrain a laugh. “Not me! I _so_ would say no!”

Karkat remained silent.

Both John and Sollux turned towards him.

“Oh, come on,” John poked Karkat’s arm. “Don’t tell me you would actually…”

Karkat swallowed thickly, and refused to look at either of the two. There was a red flush on his cheeks that turned darker the more the others stared at him.

John groaned. “Oh, _fuck_ ,” he hissed. “The world has gone crazy and everybody is into Dave, oh my _god_ ”.

Then he paused, and slowly, realization hit him like a brick in the face.

“Wait, wait, wait,” he looked at Karkat, eyes growing wide. “Then when you said you had a mystery crush, but you’d always refuse to tell us was because–”

Karkat’s grimace looked more like a pout as he punched John in the arm, though not as strongly as he might have wanted to.

“Just seal that fucking package back up,” he muttered at John.

***

To everybody’s surprise, the resealing of the anonymous package was as easy as eating a pie –though, if that involved one John Egbert, then the matter could grow much more complicated than simply putting a fork in a mouth– and the new package was placed neatly on the kitchen counter.

Perfect.

John retreated to his bedroom, and to find some solace called Vriska, ready to cry to her about the unfairness of life.

“… and that’s all there is to say on the matter,” he groused after a long, convoluted explanation and a long rant of never wanting to have to picture Dave with a vibrator ever again. “And Sollux even said that nobody would ever say no to Dave!”

There was a small pause on the other end of the line.

“Weeeeeeeell,” Vriska’s voice was amused and thoughtful. “I wouldn’t say no either, to be honest!”

John could even picture the small ::::) that always accompanied her texts on trollian.

Then the actual meaning of her words managed to get to him.

“What?!” he shrieked, completely dumbfounded. “But you’re with _me_!”

Her amused cackle was his only answer.

***

–– turntechGodhead [TG]  started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  at 18:54 ––

TG: so

TG: there is a dildo in a package to my name

TG: right here in my room

TG: why do i have a feeling youre involved

TT: Good Evening, Dave. It seems you have received my package. How do you like your new… friend? 

TG: oh my god it was you

TG: for a moment there i had hoped i was wrong

TG: but no

TT: I thought sisters were supposed to look out for their dear brothers. 

TG: im pretty sure that doesnt include sending sex toys to ones siblings at all

TG: actually im pretty fucking sure thats nowhere in the family contract

TG: does that mean you expect me to send you some fucking tentacle dildo too

TT: No, thank you, Dave. We have quite the collection in our drawers, so feel free to think of something less indulgent for Christmas. 

TG: that wasnt something i really wanted to know tbh

TG: urgh fuck i really really didnt wanna know i need to bleach whats left of my brain

TT: Oh, stop acting like the knowledge that I have an active sexual life bothers you.

TG: im throwing it away i swear to god

TT: That would be such a waste of money, Dave. You should at least try it before deciding. 

TG: wait

TG: how much did you pay for that

TT: A lady never shows and tells, Dave, you should know that by now. Suffice to say it wasn’t cheap, but you know no amount of money is enough if it means your happiness. 

TG: holy fuck

TT: So, are you more amenable to actually giving your new toy a try? 

TG: no im definitely not

TT: I might have to mention that whether you keep it or actually throw it away, I will act as if I believe you’re fond of that gift and are using it often. 

TT: Just so you know, Dave. 

TG: fuck

TT: I thought it would brighten your nights a bit, given the fact you keep ignoring my loving advice to try and start wooing your housemate. I am sure that he would provide to be cooperative to fill your time, so to speak, but alas! You still refuse to admit your raging crush for our dear friend Vantas, so you might as well enjoy my little gift until you gather enough bravado. 

TG: goddamn it

–– turntechGodhead [TG]  ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  at 19:13 ––

Dave wondered if he should have told Rose he had some sort of agreement with Sollux that left both parties satisfied, then decided that this would only mean more of her meddling, so he decided to keep the fact for himself.

It wasn’t like they were parading around their fuckbuddies status after all.

Dave glanced down at the opened package in his lap and frowned. The toy looked back at him, innocent and tempting, and Dave hastily looked away, cheeks red, covering the box with both hands.

Fuck, at least nobody knew about it. He’d be totally mortified if one of his housemates were to see it.

*** **Epilogue** ***

A week after the unpleasing experience with Dave’s anonymous package, the four housemates found themselves watching a movie and sharing a pizza, with the addition of John’s matesprit/girlfriend, nested happily in front of the pizza box, claiming all the extra pepperoni falling from the slices.

Dave got up to get more apple juice from the fridge (“Get some beer while you’re at it Dave!” “John, you shouldn’t fucking drink that stuff, it’s bad for your health” “Yeah, like coffee is any better in the quantities you drink it” “Thut up, I’m trying to watch the movie”), and two pairs of eyes watched him go.

Three, John realised once he turned around and noticed Vriska was doing her fair share of ogling too.

It was just bad coincidence Dave was wearing tight pants. Damn it.

John poked Vriska on the side, “hey,” he complained in a soft whine. “Stop looking!”

Her only reply was a knowing smirk and a wink. John wasn’t sure whether she was doing that on purpose or not.

Dave came back with a couple bottles of beer, his apple juice and two cans of cold coffee, and handed them around.

Sollux tipped his head back as a thank you and Karkat nursed his can with a sour face, glancing at Sollux and Dave.

Dave slid back on the couch and grabbed a slice of pizza, munching on it, and Sollux and Karkat’s eyes met above his head.

“Threethome?” Sollux mouthed to him.

Karkat turned promptly red and chucked him a bit of pepperoni, which Sollux easily evaded.

“It wath jutht a thuggethtion,” he mouthed again, smirking.

John hid his face in his hands and groaned, and Dave looked at him, utterly confused.

“What’s the problem, man? Is the beer shit? That’s what you get for buying the inexpensive brands. I warned you about beer, bro. I told you dog”.

“Shut up, you don’t even _drink_ beer!” John looked up, rolling his eyes, but also knew that Dave wasn’t technically at fault –he didn’t even know what was going on.

Taking pity on him, Vriska tugged him up with one arm. “Sorry boys, impromptu kissing happening, you know how it goes, right?” she winked at them, teeth glinting metallic in the television glow, then dragged her matesprit out of the sitting room.

Seconds later, John’s bedroom door was slammed shut, leaving behind one quite confused Dave and two trolls.

Sollux slowly smirked and stretched, carefully and slowly, standing up. Karkat’s eyes zoomed on him again, and so did Dave’s, and Sollux tried to look bored, failing completely because he was still grinning.

“I’m getting tired of thith thitty movie, next time we’re not letting John decide, ok?” he popped a bone in his back and pointed at his room. “There’th thome coding that needth to be done athap, tho you’ll find me in my room if you need me”.

Dave froze, glancing quickly at the troll still sitting on the couch next to him, and Sollux used that moment to wink at Karkat, also frozen in shock and suspicion.

“Good luck,” he mouthed. His smirk was as wide and predatory as Vriska’s.

Then he turned around and left, whistling.

He still had some hopes for a threesome later on.

Dave and Karkat were left alone on the couch, with a cooling pizza on the table in front of them and a movie nobody was watching anymore on TV.

Karkat looked at the empty sitting room, feeling suddenly a bit too hot, and fidgeted, then looked at Dave and noticed he was looking a bit shifty, too.

He swallowed.

“Say, want to put on some movie that won’t fucking make everybody run or what?” he grunted out.

Dave spun to look at him, shades reflecting the glow of the TV. “Hell fucking yes, let’s put Star Wars”.

“Human or Troll version?” Karkat frowned down at the twin DVDs, the only difference being the horns and grey skin on one of the copies, that the other lacked.

“If you’d ever watched the human one you wouldn’t be asking that, Karkat”.

“Fuck, ok, anything is better than _this_ shit”.

Dave smirked at him, comfortably nested on the couch, another slice of pizza in his hand, and Karkat turned towards the TV to hide the blush on his cheeks. He quickly changed the movie and returned to Dave’s side.

For a moment he didn’t know where to sit –his position before had been closer to Dave because they’d been five on the same couch, but now they had enough space, and they didn’t really need to squeeze… but…

A hand was shoved under his nose, and Karkat’s nose twitched at the smell of pepperoni assaulted his senses.

He realised he was still fucking hungry.

“Thanks,” he grabbed the pizza slice, fingers brushing against Dave, and he could swear –even in the flickering light of the blank screen– that Dave’s cheeks had turned the slightest bit red.

Oh.

_Oh._

Smirking, Karkat settled as close as he could make himself get to Dave, and started the movie, munching down on the pizza like a man on a mission, and Dave seemed to relax, casting quick glances at him before settling down with the last slice of pizza.

They spent the rest of the evening throwing banter at each other over the course of the whole main trilogy, not knowing that they were been spied on by the rest of the household through Sollux’s inner camera circuit.

“They should kiss,” Vriska commented, disappointed as she dug into the bag of popcorn Sollux was offering her.

“I don’t wanna know!” John whined, shoving a nearby pillow over his head in a vain attempt to ignore the two trolls and what was going on in the sitting room. “Wait, you don’t have pillows– yuck!”

The soft grub was promptly thrown on the other side of the room, and Sollux spared a moment to glare at him before he returned his attention to the show.

He had to admit it was a bit boring, but also somewhat endearing.

“They’re mostly hopeless, though,” Vriska commented, poking John’s ass until he harrumphed and straightened up at her side. “And booooooooring!”

“Then why are you still watching!” John poked back.

“Oh, shush!” she patted his cheek with a smirk.

On screen, Dave watched Karkat cheer as Death Star exploded in the movie, smiling.

***

By the end of the month, much to Vriska’s delight, Dave and Karkat started dating.

Three months later, Dave (officially) introduced Karkat to his friend, Vicey, and they had a lot of happy, fulfilling sexytimes.

Three more months later, Sollux finally had his threesome.

*** **The End** ***

 

 

 

 


End file.
